there is no pain

I am asleep between a man and his dog

I am trying to sleep between a man and his dog 

Everything around me is heavy

The man and his dog

I want to scream

I think about screaming in a house alone

I'm puking a little in my mouth

Everything is heavy

I feel sick

I think about the pain I'm in and the pain I'll wake up to.

I'm in pain. 

I'm tired and can't sleep.

I think of a dream I had years or months ago in the trees 

I think of the pain that doesn't exist in my dreams

I think of how much more real those dreams feel then this 

I wonder if its the same

For you.

For everyone I love.

I think about the trees and the home I created there 

I think it will put me to sleep

But what puts me to sleep here is the typing of these words into my phone 

Which only knows about my dreams because I leave them there maybe someone will find them when I am dead from finally being so very tired of the pain

Maybe I will end up in the trees where I fly between in these dreams and there is no pain.

I think about a house that is empty where I can scream.

I think I'm screaming because of the pain. 

I wish I wasn't in pain.

I am young still not even 30 and maintaining this body is painful and u don't pay it enough attention.... I need to work for it if I want to not be in pain so much but really part of me is just trying not to scream because of the pain the whole time I am not dreaming. Is that a way to live? I don't know. Are you in pain? Does it hurt as much as I do? Or more? Do you want to scream all the time like I do? I want to scream for a really long time until it makes me fall asleep. It doesn't hurt as much when I am asleep. 

Every time you see me I am always screaming inside. 

notes I write on my phone in delirious states (NYC 2012, two days before the new year)

A 40 something$ cab ride to where the fuck am I 

The man who honks

The snow on the brownstones

The A train waiting 

Missed connections

Giving up/giving in

Dramatic expansion

Present heart

Bleeding gold/currency 

Chasing the party

Wicked and assisted release 

Brain worms

Rolled cigarettes with frozen fingers

Shaking a little

One note one sound making one million people feel exactly the same way

Bottling energy

Sonic power/energy

We are flying to misty island

I'm sliding down

You're new and beautiful you know that

I need to experience you, 

I need to experience all of this

It'll all be fine I promise

Sometimes I feel what seems to be the sadness of the entire world

Well they got you by the neck 

cause they dont want you

Running away with that dagger mouth 

All twisting the stories around

To suit your pleasures

My heart beats so rapidly while I am sleeping 

Out of body dreaming

I see you've parked the car on the lawn again

You found a way to run

The train again, still waiting

My fucking teeth hurt

throbbing bone porcelain
mercury fillings
thread bare cavities
things don't always fit together
tounge in cheek
i bit the two
the taste is irony

The Water Halcyon

where did you go?
inquiring minds desperately want to know
did you just not wake up
from a deep induced sleep?
Are you drifting in coma water,calm to the touch,
with mystery and madness in the deep?
come on love, wake up
my sweetest friend,
my companion
my thread in the web

Interstate a go-go

Life like a long marriage
but im always away
she doesnt call to check on me
and i cant recall her face
there's no where to go
just away
second star to the right
and straight on forever
by morning i would be in a dream
but just beyond
is something more fleeting

A Rush of Memory [or "Packed Away Thoughts Bleeding Through"]

1.
with our skin kissed
by sand and salt,
I fumbled with the lacing
of your bikini top until
you pushed me back
and wrenched your arms
free of it.

spiral staircase built of second hand dresser drawers, sullen wall paper paste and Virginian plaster predating the invention of Scott brand bath tissue steep inclines cement dust and gorgeous southern curves...   

In Words

I remember the world as poetry.
it doesn't happen that way.

It's not until I sit down,
and scrape my pen against the page,
that I think of the way you smiled
the night I first met you, or

The way your lip gloss would
shimmer and shine,
the light reflecting
off my kitchen chandelier

or the feeling I get, looking back
at all the rainy nights spent together,
all the mattresses on the dining room floor,
all the curses that we screamed at each other
and the darkness of your cellar door.

You were always sweeter in words,
You were prettier in words, and
I loved you more in words
then I ever did in real life.