In all honesty

I hate most of what I write.
It got worst when a fellow writer friend started introducing me as a writer. "she's an incredible poet" he'd tell a room full of lawyers, CEO's, agents, and genius programmers.
It was uncomfortable at first and if I were a blusher I'd be an over ripe tomato, one that's starting to split.
Eventually I got use to the way it rolled awkwardly off my tongue. I'd say it as if it were a secret I've been keeping my entire life, heavy, and relieved to let it go. Or like a question. I'd ask, "I'm a writer?"

I'm not a writer. I didn't really ever and don't want to be. I want to record stuff and play it back. Just hit a button and capture it all. It's much more exciting and honest that way because nothings tainted by one sole perspective. There you are. That's you. No way around it. As a writer I can make you out to be whoever I see you as. Everyones a shade of grey.

When you claim to be a writer you can pretty much be as fucked up as you want to be. It's a free pass for folks to excuse your insanities, absurd behavior, even your addictions. God knows a little wine never hurt to help set those creative juices flowin free. And rarely do you have to prove yourself....You could literally write shit on a cocktail napkin, throw some random observation and a fist full of flowery adjectives down there and none the wiser will contest your claim. They may think you're a shitty writer. You're still a writer.

People ask me what I do, which everyone always wants to know from anyone else when you're out in the scene making small talk by asking generic loaded questions, another being "how have you been"... I still say I'm a writer. It's much more exceptable then divulging to them what really pays the rent. (As leiniant as this great golden state is.) I also don't let on that maybe I haven't left my house for more then a few hours in the past week and that I'd rather be in bed writting then out making glittery conversation with people who I can assure you will never read a lick of this.

anam ċara

I thought you were crying

because you saw what it was

I was drunk off of seagrams, red wine,

and then some

“Don’t go,” she says.

It’s only now that I see the reasoning

behind your tip-toe smile

in keeping me here

was to see if I had caught on

initially it had crossed my mind

that there was something

good left to hold on to

but now it’s giving me nothing

aside from more incentive

to get the fuck out of this place.

they’ve always been vindictive little bitches

scooping up leftovers, behaving like famished vultures

to leave but a hollow man at my doorstep

begging to come in, just so he can court the maid

the words inked on your soul are self-evident

that those tears of love

were really tears of regret

you probably imagined his hands

sliding up your shirt

maneuvering into your pants

and how it felt when he...

I’m a naive gal

and it’s time to move on

when I take the southwestern route

I’ll continue my education & earn a Masters

I’ll acquire an internship in Hollywood

I’ll work my way up the ladder

with the rest of the rats

I'll direct a feature film & you’ll see my vision

& I’ll travel the world off the beaten path

I’ll stumble upon new romance

nothing to distract him

from my brains and my smile

not like here

where it’s all about looks

& not about substance.

not here,

where your best friends

they tend to become your enemies

I wanna..

start new

where nobody knows me

& I can be just another artsy fuck

strung out on success

I knew there would be secrets,

but not to this degree.

I remember the precise moment it all happened, too

can you tell me why he wasn’t worth it?

I know you know, and you don’t know that I do.

Fuck new jersey.

A letter to all best friends.

I'm cleaning out my 2010 closet- these are all remnants found at the bottom of it- Im calling the lot of them: Afternoon Eggs

AFTERNOON EGGS

Going back to landlines 
Scattered thoughts two cents lost
The drain is clogged
Splitting logs
For the fire inside

We hide in our little spaces
And make family outta strangers
Growing closer with the cold 
Cracking jokes just to keep warm

I remember what the seasons lost
When you move from coast to coast 

It took three to fill the shoes left behind from loving you

Little birds with hollow bones
The way they fall and sore 
As if they're one

Someone said you must pay
For the tounge you trip over 
And the words you don't say

Drunk and in your truck
Blownout eardrumbs
Didgits numb
The wrong kinda bumps
Hood rat stuff

I'll talk to a cigarette any day
Probably till they talk me to death

Hey there little robin 
Pickin through the corn
The day is commin 
Soon now
Wild little one 

We're all going deaf
And  we trip on our tounges

Found the holy ghost
Lurking throughout 
the walls of Madrone
Caution now
Don't get caught

I like finding 
your broken guitar strings
On the floor of my room
By stepping on them 
Even when they sting

Don't irritate the dinosaurs

We are next generation acid causualties 
Over sencitive cry babies
Viens collapsing
Music freaks

Down some San franciscan street rambles a rittilin kid, an entertainment writter who's lost his goddamn mind.... 

There's a special relationship between the toast and the egg

It's a nice night in the city of your heart

Destiny calls from the mensroom stall
"buy her a drink on me!" 
As they humbly fumble through a gold cane Monday
New friends and pool sharks
Dropping quarters in the juke box
Getting caught w/ bathroom bumps
Walkin home way too drunk 
Losing all of Tuesdays charm

Some things you just do.

Why do you make me feel so good
Read the words over and over
Make sence of something
And something from nothing

Take off your clothes and fall into bed
Tried to find a home in people
Tired and tired and tired of sleeping

It is weird out there

One silver leg warmer had fallen down to her ankle
She had no idea how good it looked 

How do you jump in heart first? 

An Understanding

We don't have to be so strong 
You and I
We don't have to get it right all the time
It's overwhelming really
Everything sways 
Whats expected of us darling 
You don't have to stay with me tonight
Sleep where you lay that's fine
Just let me know I'm on your mind
find some simple way to show me
Just catch my eyes once and see me
And really mean it

Defective Halmark Cards

Effortlessly you slide
Around a room I occupy
Tired in your eye
Rest here just a while

Back to the road you fly
With some smile by yer side
Effortlessly you hide
What is willing 
Something mild.....

Happy valentine
Your heart is wicked wild
 each time I let you in
A broken heart threatened

And I don't know what you want
Because we never talk 
It's on purpose
And effortless
And yes 
the weathers nice 

But I'm jaded and you're selfish
And I'm selfless and you're wasted
And I'm just abusing myself
 if I keep you around
So happy valentines
Not so effortlessly 
I draw the line 

More then Questions

First of all why am I awake? It's 7:38am and I haven't been up all night... 
I fell asleep on the side of the bed I sleep on when yer around, but awoke layin on the side I normally sleep on alone. 
Fell asleep face down, lights on. 
Seems I've gotten use to this...
Waking up a drunk mess on your side of my bed.... 

That night I saved your life

Holdon for dear life cause yer fallin 
To the side
Slipping out the car window 
With the wind 
And the highway beneath

Grab my hand I'll pull you back in 

Drunk with You

I just want to drink with you
Laugh and sway and tip off the stool
When I'm out and about and on my own
the point is more than less apealing and I am just alone
But the breeze today feels like a promise to myself I'm keeping

I want to drink to get drunk and fall asleep next to you
In my bed, in yours, wrapped in something that's ours
Knots of legs and arms and snores
Waking after noon
Smiling kisses yawn

Now I'm no alcoholic,
 tho some may lie suspect 
Like my father who claims he remains one step
always in front of me
Or the other one who shares his blood, his dark circles and rececive genes
Who calls me with the moon 
Slurs his way over the wire
Liquor dripping fool
Crashing gates with a cigar smile 

No I'm not like them 
No, im sure
i've been back and forth with it before
Tumbled it again and again
Around the swelling in my head 
I tried it out 
To drink em down 
And wash away
Faces names 
Love and pain
But they remain and that's okay

Cause I want to drink with you today
Lay down our swords read between the lines
Make memories I can play back when we're old
Just killin time

Sometimes I let my mind wander

God I'm wide awake again
Crawling round inside my skin
Just can't seem to get this thing right
Yawn away the daylight hours and toss away the night
Wheels they turn, teeth clench and grind
Thoughts weave their way through webs of mind 
And intertwine behind my eyes with things I've seen or keep inventing
Part of me still pretending I never was born, never could have been

If I could I'd fall asleep and sleep in 
Neglect the mourning rays peakin in
Draw the curtains so no one can see in
Lock the door and lose the key ring
 
Drop it down a canyon
Watch it bounce of rocks and land in
A wild river rushing 
To greet the wide wide ocean
Where it's swallowed by a stergen
As by he goes swiftly swimming
Who's swooped up by a pelican
A few higher on the food chain
Who gulps his catch down in
One deep breath and then
Later dies from poor digestion 

All these feelings
Dead nerve endings
Washing over me
Keeping sleep at bay
Patiently I wait
As the waves break
One after another
Crash in upon eachother
As I tire
And slip away.... 



   

the accident

I left your face on the floor
Dropping the keys as I walked through the front door
The cars out there on the lawn
with the windows all broken out
I don't know how I got here
Or why you call me by that name
Who you even are to me 
is something I can't place
The ringings loud this time
Much louder then before
But there's the number 
There's your face 
I left it lying on the floor

Huck- drunk on IPA and Tuesday

I didn't know what sixteen was
And the worth of a clean drivers lincese
I was cold and just wanted to get warm
So id beg to be let in the car
And they were thrilled to have a solid driver
Straight through to the next show 
I'd night ride on
I'm scared of how happy I may become
You should see my alter, the locks of hair
Throw it to the water 
Seeing a star born in a head light-

Lexi's Moth Hunt

Alexi watched a moth
Fat and pink one night
Bumping into walls 
Confused by the light
The next day while I was cleaning
I found that moth still clinging 
To the curtains in the kitchen
Outside it been raining
a strange thing for this season
and the moths wings were dripping 
the dust had been washed from them
One day flying
With only the moon to guide him
Now shuttering stuck inside
Keeping dry
At the end of his life 

We're all addicts or ex's

The sun will be up soon 
Cyotts howls high the moon
Wrapped up in the back 
Of captians truck again
Cold feet, strange sleep

This time of year only last
A different hill
Same thoughts still
Of you and Where you're at

Out there with the road
Singing bold yer soul 
High and on a roll
Stumbling, juggling
Wonder kid
Livin to live
Perfecting it

Playing back secrets
Kept locked up and key less
Your gental guitar
And the rain on the cars
The sound of the dogs
Claw on the floorboards
Working in the next room
Remembering the tune
Strummed over and over 
You were hiding
Staying sober
The rain on the windows
You lightly hum notes 
We were silent for hours
Those momments were ours 
 
Hillside again
The air begining to crisp
The fall upon us
And it's you that I miss

And it doesn't hurt 
Like it should
Like I thought it would
Now you're on your own
Have a heart that is full
Time smiles wrinkled with a memory  
Of what you felt like when you did


 

Screwcap Nights

Screwcap wines were made just for late night walks home from the liquor store

The sidewalks closed so you walk the street
Screwcap wine chenched in your fist
Running your tounge across chapped lips
December numbs the fingertips
You let time slip
And there you meet
On the corner of forever
And never
Fate greets you with a fish hook grin
And asks you for a screwcap sip
You pull up a curb and take a seat
Cross your fingers and tap your feet
A long pull from the bottle then wipes his chin
Fate does his dance and you join in
And down it goes the screwcap nose
Till you're back home
Warm in the bones
And fate, the smile and sigh you met
One screwcap night you won't regret

We've been dancing for some time now

I turn and run from your touch
Not because I don't want it
Oh how I want it 
It's just too much
Too much
And what have I got
Would it be enough 
You could have my love
But of it what?

A year ago
Sebastopol 
Tiny flowers on your pillow
A plate of food 
Left in you're room
A familar tune
Brought you your shoes

You were whiskey drunk that night
yer head full of sparks
I was hiding flying high
wine lush, cheeks flush
You called me to your side
Turning your face to mine
Met me in the middle 
Rather unprofessional
Planting seeds
And you've come in my dreams
To save me from me 
More times than you'd think
I blame the drink
Just to get some sleep

And i hide mine
Cause if catch your eyes
I'd be lost in them
And I fall hard on
The thought of
Finding home there
In a deep stare
Something familiar
Some love to live for
 
  

 

a one night stand that failed to end

You wake up so early and stir me
And tuck me back in 
Seeing only blurs of your face
If it wasn't for our better judgements 
You'd be just the stranger you are in that momment
I, a girl you don't even know in your bed
Both with fresh eyes for eachother
And warm bodies and art 
Two seperate lives two broken hearts
Paths crossed 
Again and again
 

Bedtime Story

Once she came down from the ceiling
Hair frayed at the ends
In her eyes a spinning and reeling
Fingers bleeding from the tips

She said she had been talking to strangers
That they had promised her a secret to keep 
An addict of adrenalin and danger
She ignored the dark circles of sleep
and battled the night like the man in the moon quarrling with wolverine

She sprang into step as she fell into bed
Like a feather light on her feet
Teaching fine threads of dreaming strings how to weave lucidly
Humming an ambient melody
With her toes tapping out the beat 
She would sing

Sleep is a stanger I met down a dark alley
A bottle of wine 
Clenched in his fist
swallowing zzz's   
Hoping to catch a glimpse
of black backdrop eyelids
And once you're there 
Waking can be much
Harder than you think

Nemo needs you now
You're on your own sweet dreamer
There's stars enough out there for all
Still you stay locked in your bedchamber 
Tangled in a sheeps disguise
Sweating out your sanity
From the night the sandman stole your eyes 
Flip wakes you morn reality

Nobody wants a nightmare
To be helpless in their own head
Pinned down and paralized
With feet of lead
You could run to nowheres end
And never have left

And sleep is a begger I met down a dark alley
A backhanded bet and a coin flip
An albotross a thought lost
The dream you dream to forget
And the ceiling is higher then you recall 
The lights won't turn on or off
Youre running from yourself
Just to wake up with yourself
So make the most of what you can get
    
 

you and your sad song

Been waking up with Buckley 
Rollin round my head like a hangover
Been wicked in the bones 
Broken fever stones
Been feelin more like leftover
Each city day and fog here 
Tired bolder, growin older
Then I have in years

Been waking up with Buckley
Lyrics bouncin off my brain
Screaming like an engine
Singin about downin again
Been reliving all these stories
Never to be told
Been limping into morning
And longing for the road

One that leaves me on your doorstep
And wraps me in your arms
One that begins in sunsets
That we can share as ours

One that takes me far from here
And closer to my heart
One to make me face the fears
That worm their way throughout my thoughts

Been waking up with Buckley
And a ringing in my ear
Pulling myself out of a hat
If that hasn't been yet made clear
Been wonderin what time of day
You wake up on your coast
And if you put the coffee on
Before or after your first smoke  

I've been waking up to Buckley
Wailing lonely in the corner of the room
Dreaming of the day when instead I'll be waking up to you

 

the snow sits softly
on a porch a gave myself to years ago
it makes a promise I could never keep
to die here
to live here
I see the intersection poetry
I see the future pulling past
I can get out of here
raise the sails and set the mast
you'll be beauty pictures
you'll be my last real agenda
I've not seen anything
to tell me I was never here
make me ask the questions
to the story I tell myself
so I can come back here
foresaking heart and health
let me back one more time
so I can see the cutest things
I'd only cut myself up for back then

nothing of everything

i liked it better in your apartment

when it was summer & it was stifling hot

so hot it made the sidewalks expand

& let the ground breathe

but no, not like me

the stagnancy of your air

made it difficult to stretch my lungs

it’s not anything like that,

no, not anymore

we’re closing in on winter

& you’ll soon be bitter cold

so cold it makes the sidewalks contract

& my first conscious breath will be stolen

when we lie in a bed

so frozen it makes us tremor

& you don’t hold me at night

no, not the way you used to

in the throws of loveless limbs

using yesterday evening’s cigarette butts

to move tonight’s ashes aside

blowing smoke into your ceilings

between sips of whiskey & cider

making sure your poisons are kept pure

i see those other women in your eyes

wearing your lovers’ clothes

& your coughs don’t concern me

cause i’ve got one more smoke than you

& if i could just get inside your head

i’d pack my shit & leave

just remember,

your hair’s gonna fall out

your teeth are gonna rot

your ears will go deaf

your eyes will go blind.

you’ll eventually think yourself to death

which i find foolish

when it’s a hell of a lot easier

to drink yourself dry.