Fade to Black

4am
awake, it's raining
the only thing to be thankful for
the sound of the rain
in a haze
in the kitchen
kettle on the burner
numb Xanax cloud
standing in the rain
and barefoot
Each drop a freezing tear
from my eyes as they are the sky
hiding there
in the night
under the biting cold, very cold, rain
A harm I cause myself
to distract my wrenching heart
from what is lost
the sound of falling drops
fading my soul

The fish in the Gulf are mutated.
It's raining on me, a painful release that hurts on purpose, that helps the deep terminal sadness...breathe.
The tea is too hot
burns the mouth,
A pain to fade the pain in, to out
For what is lost.
The fish no longer have eyes
or the sockets to put them in
the universe cries with me, as me
Fade out into black

It rains in Canada too.
I know because Renie is there and hasn't called.
it won't last
the rain
or this
us
the fish
or the only thing that's kept me here
And I don't see the beauty in any of it anymore, only the bleak
And this life, I'm tired, and I don't want it anymore. Any part of it. Save for the rain right now on my face and in my tea...

I'll be committed
drugged heavily
stop eating
and fade to black.
A fish without eyes
my heart, my will, deformed.
I won't come back from this one
from what is lost
Fade to black
and burry me there
with her.