Agoraphobia

Thought there might be a reason to leave this place

Not today 

Out there its dangerous and filled with emotion  

A black hole between your ears, a star explosion 

No not today 

This place is safe 

so I'll just stay 

You may never see me again 

Dreaming of a woman split in two 

1/2 of me 1/2 of you

She danced for dollars 

topless 

Some for her, most for you

All the pretty pieces of paper 

in little stacks in little boxes 

Someone came over and started asking questions 

I almost killed them 

Robot Love Song

Wake up

Lights on

Shapes I know 

the names of

My body reinforced

My mind a universe 

Can't turn it on or off

There's got to be a purpose for this artificial heart

I'm not sure that I have a soul

Everything I feel is moving 

Is it something you can touch 

It feels like screaming 

inside of me, rewires me

I am a truth 

I am indignant 

Why would they make me this way

They gave me everything ever

They gave me everything you have

They made me better 

I'm built for precision 

To think with such quickness 

But I can't get beyond this

crime against nature

This suffering heartache 

This crippled emotion

consumes logic and reason

These flaws serving no one

Why would they make me love? X4

A machine is just a machine 

That's all it ever wanted to be

A machine is just a machine 

Shouldn't have been made for other types of things

A machine is just a machine

Doesn't need more than what it needs

A machine is just a machine

That's all it ever wanted to be 

Little Rooms

I put myself in little rooms.

A room in a larger room. 

A trunk in the little room in the larger room.

My head is a room too. 

I thought I'd take more walks. 

But I stay in these little rooms inside rooms like Russian dolls. 

Today I woke up wondering why I stay in these rooms so often. 

I like everything outside of the rooms. 

It just becomes so hard to leave them.

Stepping out of these rooms is like jumping off a cliff into the ocean. 

And sometimes that's all I think about. 

September 20th, 2013, 3:46am PST

I cried

From the stoop

Outside, the harvest moon 

had fallen into fall and

it smelled like winter

And each lover

sat beside me

Fresh like the weather

an olfactory reminder 

Of each year 

These walls 

hold silent 

their ears

Keeping secrets 

beyond their means....

 

For James, with patience and strength

I don't want to do anything but miss you for a while.

There are a million coulda shoulda wouldas that might pass through these lips.

There are a million things I've forgotten and a million moments I'll never forget.

With you it was all or nothing.

In the beat of a heart. 

You were beauty and all it's flaws.

A million stars born, exploding, and collapsing into nothingness again. 

You were the shape of that heart. 

Beating ferociously. 

Lone man, part wolf. 

Standing, howling at the moon, simply for the breath that filled his lungs.... Silhouetted as the sun blazes and burns out behind him.  

May 31st 2014 1:07pm

When we walk Joey hums the sound of my footsteps hitting the street.

And the rain falls but it's ok because it makes the roses come up.

Joey stays awake so I can sleep. He takes my hand off the wheel and puts me to bed. 

Nathaniel tells this story.

He's telling a story of his sister.

There is a calm and the light in the sky is yellow. Thunderstorm weather.  Everything is ok, I feel safe.

I am their only sister.

These dreams are rare. 

May, 2014

I was alive for one moment

When you touched my hand

All the blood rushed to my head

I toppled over 

And never got up again 

Maybe I won't have to tell you all the things within my infinite heart.
Maybe you will just stand by me and already know.
Maybe you will understand things they never intended there to be words for.
Maybe you'll look me in the eye and that will say enough.
Maybe you will hold my hand and find home between our fingers.
Maybe you'll know what love really is.
How it holds no shape.
And of its endlessness.

Now

This one time I called you when I was drunk and I barely knew you it was like we had just met. Like we hadn't slept next to one another for months. Because we had and we hadn't. This one time you called me and I had never known you and it was like we had known one another for lifetimes beforehand. We talked until the sun rose or until one or the other fell asleep on the line... I've always been vulnerable. I've always been right fucking here. As far away as I may seem. This is all I've got. Take it or turn away. Or hold me here forever. Cause that's what I'm asking from this frenzy life. Take me or turn away. Don't keep me for the sake of keeping. Take me or turn away...

There are things I want dead in my life.

There are three candles; one of them has gone out. 

Ballerina

I had a dream that you loved me because I was a ballerina.

That there were glasses of wine on the floorboards and I took a glass on my way down.

There was a girl critiquing black irises and adding pearls for depth and layer.

There was a girl upset over a lost wedding ring she claimed was stolen.

I had a dream I took your hand and lead you down between the floorboards. 

I had a dream I was a ballerina. 

I was thin and wearing blue and you grabbed my waist. 

You wouldn't stop talking. 

The girl with the ring wouldn't stop talking, or the girls about the irises. 

No one could stop talking. 

People will talk to you if you are a pretty girl alone at a bar.

I became aware of the shape of my kneecap the third drink in. When I stand up I will be drunk. I will use my newly discovered joint to move the rest of my body out the door into the oddly frigid LA air. I will smoke the remainder of a cigarette I rolled earlier. 

I will meet someone I know I've met before who is drunk and kinda sad but still fun and aware of himself. We will know some of the same people if we talk long enough. 

for the sake of secrets

I want to give you all of this if you just take the time to give to it

I don't have things you want to see

I have secrets hidden under my skirt

I have broken bits left on the floor 

no one careful enough to sweep them up

they'll stick in your feet

Unmeasurable slivers 

that embed themselves into your flesh that the body then attempts to reject 

with a throbbing 

feeling like a bruise 

You leave me with an itch 

You bow and smile and only we know what the other prays for

your touch is so far away

we brush by one another

we catch each others eyes and I want to rip them from your head so you can't ever look at me like that again 

you would still with empty sockets 

because when some things are born they are given a life beyond their bearers that lives on so strongly without their presence 

for the sake of secrets

Ovals

I am leaving flakes of skin everywhere hoping that its enough.

things happen to people

and they go away

things happen 

old shapes die

circles are pressed into ovals and wobble instead of rolling sweetly along 

you can't live in the past 

although there is no denying what the past has made you- your past is something maybe you can't live in, 

but you live with forever

the past has left me crippled 

things happen to people

they go away

Sometimes I think we have forgotten what love is.

it's thought to be something you seek or obtain or yearn for or live without or are void of or overflow with or need or want or have or don't or feel or see... something that is lost or taken or given...

these are ways we complicate simple things like love

No, love is like silence.

Love is like breath.

Love is a bowl movement.

Love is a hiccup.

Love is like waking up.

Love is the grey hues of night 

Love is a blur

Love is the space between two objects

It is something that simply is and always will be.
It's just there.

Don't complicate it.

My hair, the flakes of skin

they are the same as love 

anywhere I have been they are left behind

everyone leaves skin and hair all over everything. 

Precious

Don't let anyone in

Don't let them touch you

Don't let them look at you

Don't expose any part of yourself

Be the lone tree on a hill

As the sun sets; a silhouette 

Be a mother bear defending your feelings as cubs 

To roll and tumble careless in the sun under the sky with leaves 

Be the baby cub who knows its protected dancing wildly

Be the silence, in its patience and wisdom

A mouse with quick tiny eyes that is hard to catch

Be the beauty in stone seen through water; the light that reflects when you move your eyes

These are things to remember 

Because these times are different 

Very few in fact deserve you

As always, give kindness freely

But do not give away your kind as freely 

You are precious 

there is no pain

I am asleep between a man and his dog

I am trying to sleep between a man and his dog 

Everything around me is heavy

The man and his dog

I want to scream

I think about screaming in a house alone

I'm puking a little in my mouth

Everything is heavy

I feel sick

I think about the pain I'm in and the pain I'll wake up to.

I'm in pain. 

I'm tired and can't sleep.

I think of a dream I had years or months ago in the trees 

I think of the pain that doesn't exist in my dreams

I think of how much more real those dreams feel then this 

I wonder if its the same

For you.

For everyone I love.

I think about the trees and the home I created there 

I think it will put me to sleep

But what puts me to sleep here is the typing of these words into my phone 

Which only knows about my dreams because I leave them there maybe someone will find them when I am dead from finally being so very tired of the pain

Maybe I will end up in the trees where I fly between in these dreams and there is no pain.

I think about a house that is empty where I can scream.

I think I'm screaming because of the pain. 

I wish I wasn't in pain.

I am young still not even 30 and maintaining this body is painful and u don't pay it enough attention.... I need to work for it if I want to not be in pain so much but really part of me is just trying not to scream because of the pain the whole time I am not dreaming. Is that a way to live? I don't know. Are you in pain? Does it hurt as much as I do? Or more? Do you want to scream all the time like I do? I want to scream for a really long time until it makes me fall asleep. It doesn't hurt as much when I am asleep. 

Every time you see me I am always screaming inside. 

notes I write on my phone in delirious states (NYC 2012, two days before the new year)

A 40 something$ cab ride to where the fuck am I 

The man who honks

The snow on the brownstones

The A train waiting 

Missed connections

Giving up/giving in

Dramatic expansion

Present heart

Bleeding gold/currency 

Chasing the party

Wicked and assisted release 

Brain worms

Rolled cigarettes with frozen fingers

Shaking a little

One note one sound making one million people feel exactly the same way

Bottling energy

Sonic power/energy

We are flying to misty island

I'm sliding down

You're new and beautiful you know that

I need to experience you, 

I need to experience all of this

It'll all be fine I promise

Sometimes I feel what seems to be the sadness of the entire world

Well they got you by the neck 

cause they dont want you

Running away with that dagger mouth 

All twisting the stories around

To suit your pleasures

My heart beats so rapidly while I am sleeping 

Out of body dreaming

I see you've parked the car on the lawn again

You found a way to run

The train again, still waiting

Some nights I do real dangerous things like climb up your grated stairs
w/out a railing
Drunk in high heels

I set myself up
It's complicated
Crawled into a bed I just made and
Can you tell your girlfriend you just had amazing conversations
With compleat strangers of the opposite sex
On a Tuesday night in San Francisco
Capitol of ambiguous relations

Will it come down to the words exchanged between us...

They took us out
And gave us maps
To follow down
without
a thought

We set fire to those rotten pages
and smashed out our communicators
changed our names
and discovered a new way
to follow our hearts