there is no pain

I am asleep between a man and his dog

I am trying to sleep between a man and his dog 

Everything around me is heavy

The man and his dog

I want to scream

I think about screaming in a house alone

I'm puking a little in my mouth

Everything is heavy

I feel sick

I think about the pain I'm in and the pain I'll wake up to.

I'm in pain. 

I'm tired and can't sleep.

I think of a dream I had years or months ago in the trees 

I think of the pain that doesn't exist in my dreams

I think of how much more real those dreams feel then this 

I wonder if its the same

For you.

For everyone I love.

I think about the trees and the home I created there 

I think it will put me to sleep

But what puts me to sleep here is the typing of these words into my phone 

Which only knows about my dreams because I leave them there maybe someone will find them when I am dead from finally being so very tired of the pain

Maybe I will end up in the trees where I fly between in these dreams and there is no pain.

I think about a house that is empty where I can scream.

I think I'm screaming because of the pain. 

I wish I wasn't in pain.

I am young still not even 30 and maintaining this body is painful and u don't pay it enough attention.... I need to work for it if I want to not be in pain so much but really part of me is just trying not to scream because of the pain the whole time I am not dreaming. Is that a way to live? I don't know. Are you in pain? Does it hurt as much as I do? Or more? Do you want to scream all the time like I do? I want to scream for a really long time until it makes me fall asleep. It doesn't hurt as much when I am asleep. 

Every time you see me I am always screaming inside. 

notes I write on my phone in delirious states (NYC 2012, two days before the new year)

A 40 something$ cab ride to where the fuck am I 

The man who honks

The snow on the brownstones

The A train waiting 

Missed connections

Giving up/giving in

Dramatic expansion

Present heart

Bleeding gold/currency 

Chasing the party

Wicked and assisted release 

Brain worms

Rolled cigarettes with frozen fingers

Shaking a little

One note one sound making one million people feel exactly the same way

Bottling energy

Sonic power/energy

We are flying to misty island

I'm sliding down

You're new and beautiful you know that

I need to experience you, 

I need to experience all of this

It'll all be fine I promise

Sometimes I feel what seems to be the sadness of the entire world

Well they got you by the neck 

cause they dont want you

Running away with that dagger mouth 

All twisting the stories around

To suit your pleasures

My heart beats so rapidly while I am sleeping 

Out of body dreaming

I see you've parked the car on the lawn again

You found a way to run

The train again, still waiting

My fucking teeth hurt

throbbing bone porcelain
mercury fillings
thread bare cavities
things don't always fit together
tounge in cheek
i bit the two
the taste is irony

The Water Halcyon

where did you go?
inquiring minds desperately want to know
did you just not wake up
from a deep induced sleep?
Are you drifting in coma water,calm to the touch,
with mystery and madness in the deep?
come on love, wake up
my sweetest friend,
my companion
my thread in the web

Interstate a go-go

Life like a long marriage
but im always away
she doesnt call to check on me
and i cant recall her face
there's no where to go
just away
second star to the right
and straight on forever
by morning i would be in a dream
but just beyond
is something more fleeting

A Rush of Memory [or "Packed Away Thoughts Bleeding Through"]

1.
with our skin kissed
by sand and salt,
I fumbled with the lacing
of your bikini top until
you pushed me back
and wrenched your arms
free of it.

spiral staircase built of second hand dresser drawers, sullen wall paper paste and Virginian plaster predating the invention of Scott brand bath tissue steep inclines cement dust and gorgeous southern curves...   

In Words

I remember the world as poetry.
it doesn't happen that way.

It's not until I sit down,
and scrape my pen against the page,
that I think of the way you smiled
the night I first met you, or

The way your lip gloss would
shimmer and shine,
the light reflecting
off my kitchen chandelier

or the feeling I get, looking back
at all the rainy nights spent together,
all the mattresses on the dining room floor,
all the curses that we screamed at each other
and the darkness of your cellar door.

You were always sweeter in words,
You were prettier in words, and
I loved you more in words
then I ever did in real life.

Some nights I do real dangerous things like climb up your grated stairs
w/out a railing
Drunk in high heels

I set myself up
It's complicated
Crawled into a bed I just made and
Can you tell your girlfriend you just had amazing conversations
With compleat strangers of the opposite sex
On a Tuesday night in San Francisco
Capitol of ambiguous relations

Will it come down to the words exchanged between us...

They took us out
And gave us maps
To follow down
without
a thought

We set fire to those rotten pages
and smashed out our communicators
changed our names
and discovered a new way
to follow our hearts

some more arrangements of words

I'm learning how to live with
the rats in the attic
And taking each day as it comes
With or without panic

Ticktock ticktock
keep waking up
from this dream
of reality breaking

Turn your face into the rain when it hurts
Borrow the light from stars
Let the ringing in your deafer ear
sing to you all your favorite songs

My heart sailed away on the ship you kept in a bottle
That shattered the last time it stormed
It floated down river out into the open sea where it found a new home
It breathes like the waves now
Beats like wings of a seagull
And rolls back in just to tease at the shore

I'm learning to love the bottle and the courage i find at the bottom
Learning to lean in a little further
and speak without saying a word

It's letting go
Like an avalanche
And taking it all
Back in
Right before
Your heart implodes
Like a dieing sun

My eyes are not a camera
But I wish they were
then I could show you
How I see
Who you are
In the door way
when you smile

The light low and bright
on the rafters
That were burnt
By the fire
Finds the curves
In the wood
to hide

Just like it finds
fine lines
Around your eyes
shadow wisdom
The deep blue well
of sadness in them
Yet still
Laughing and sparking
With truth and hope
tomorrow's sunrise
in their reflection

'ode to time and relative distance in space'

Theres a crack through it all
Where time pours out of
And it erases anything
It comes in contact with
You never existed
Never born
with the weight of any of this

Let go
Let it all fall
Smile
on the way down
The world was just a dream you never woke up from

mr spock

walk into another greasy spoon
too cold to notice the quirky names for generic dishes
indigenous to every shit hole in the state
and the whiskey on my breath mingles with the scent of scorched coffee grounds
i am less than pleased but fired twice into the television,
just to make it stick.

The Sea gull

I'm swinging around this world
I'm fucking John Glenn
The worst thing you can do to me is let me touch the ground
Toss me a pretzel
with a pressed and hidden Alka Seltzer
and watch my belly blow

Shattered

I only came here to find a friendly face
I'm turned up high and walleyed
I'm rattling like a chimp in a cage
The pub is warm and dark
and everyone is smiling and leaned back
but no one's smiling at me
No one looks familiar
The speakers bleed a tune of joy
An old Irish waltz
I'm loud and alone
yawning out a chorus
Slam another drink against the bar
Whisper to myself
and answer out loud

Lemme have a tall Guinness
in a dusty glass with a whiskey knocker
I'm here to find a friendly face
I can't even find my own
I'm not looking for a number
I'm not looking for a kiss

Get the waitress over here
and tell her I can smell that brisket
and it's got me hovering in
like a cartoon bum
but my legs are just as silly
and my head can't find the roof
but some solid greasy protein
might bring me back tomorrow