Saturday, January 08, 2011

In all honesty

I hate most of what I write.
It got worst when a fellow writer friend started introducing me as a writer. "she's an incredible poet" he'd tell a room full of lawyers, CEO's, agents, and genius programmers.
It was uncomfortable at first and if I were a blusher I'd be an over ripe tomato, one that's starting to split.
Eventually I got use to the way it rolled awkwardly off my tongue. I'd say it as if it were a secret I've been keeping my entire life, heavy, and relieved to let it go. Or like a question. I'd ask, "I'm a writer?"

I'm not a writer. I didn't really ever and don't want to be. I want to record stuff and play it back. Just hit a button and capture it all. It's much more exciting and honest that way because nothings tainted by one sole perspective. There you are. That's you. No way around it. As a writer I can make you out to be whoever I see you as. Everyones a shade of grey.

When you claim to be a writer you can pretty much be as fucked up as you want to be. It's a free pass for folks to excuse your insanities, absurd behavior, even your addictions. God knows a little wine never hurt to help set those creative juices flowin free. And rarely do you have to prove yourself....You could literally write shit on a cocktail napkin, throw some random observation and a fist full of flowery adjectives down there and none the wiser will contest your claim. They may think you're a shitty writer. You're still a writer.

People ask me what I do, which everyone always wants to know from anyone else when you're out in the scene making small talk by asking generic loaded questions, another being "how have you been"... I still say I'm a writer. It's much more exceptable then divulging to them what really pays the rent. (As leiniant as this great golden state is.) I also don't let on that maybe I haven't left my house for more then a few hours in the past week and that I'd rather be in bed writting then out making glittery conversation with people who I can assure you will never read a lick of this.

No comments: